This week Trixie talks about gangsters and queefing, as well as the usual book review, advice on fashion and lifestyle, health and fitness tips…
Click here to watch this comedy podcast on YouTube, featuring queefing, gangsta’s, book reviews and advice on fashion, lifestyle and health and fitness.
Hello! Welcome to the T.T.T., I hope you’re all feeling relaxed, and ready for me.
And first, the news. This week saw a giant blanket being officially pulled over America.
All free thinking ideas will now bounce off the blanket and be propelled towards radical free thinking countries like Germany and Sweden.
My book, Facebook Blues, went to number one, but then I realized it was a dream, and I wept quietly.
LOVE: This weeks love goes to the fantastic, spunky Shirley Bassey. I was Shirley’s underwear arranger in the early 80’s, and let me assure you I have never come across gussets as sparkly as shirley’s.
I am ashamed to say that I did steal a pair…
-Here they are. I often have them out to remind me of those days. (sniffs them)
I can even faintly smell her. (holding sequinned knickers)
Emails; This one is from a Mrs Evelyn Felch, from Lincolnshire, and she writes;
Dear Trixie, I cant stop eating ginger snaps, since I suffered a nerve-wracking encounter whilst in my husbands car. A man came up behind me from nowhere.
He had an unstable load which he emptied all over the Audi Rich Special 6 series. Please help.
Dear Mrs Felch, how frustrating. Audi’s are one of my favourites. Luckily the Rich special injection has leather interior, and eggshell spray exterior for easy cleaning.
The back up support team are very competitive. I do hope your husband has recovered after this terrible shock.
This weak email touches on a very delicate subject. It’s by 17 year old Diane Grunge, from The Hill, Bedfordshire, and she says,
Dear Trixie, The other night I was having a romantic encounter with my boyfriend, and as the passion ran high, I opened my legs, and the most horrendous and embarrassing thing in my life happened.
I can only describe it how it seemed, as if a man had crawled up my pum-pum and was belching loudly to be let out.
My boyfriend has since left me, and I am feeling mortified. Is there something wrong with me? Please, please help.
Well, firstly Diane, this is a perfectly normal thing and if it sounds like this
it is called a Lady-Queef, or Big girls Sneeze, Gina’s Roar, Sea Breeze, Sloppy Jo, and many more.
I would say you have a large healthy Foo-foo.
Here is the singing duet, Dwayne and Marlene, with their 1962 hit; Queefing Love, which I believe was their only hit.
(Clip of Dwayne and Marlene sitting on stools singing Queefing Love.)
Marlene) You’ll be queefing on me
Dwayne) I’ll be queefing on you
Together) Queefing Love
I do believe that shortly after their brief fame, Marleen committed suicide, and Dwayne went into hiding. I hope this explains everything for you, Miss Grunge.
Now to a personal matter, It’s really quite funny. A week ago I ordered A George Foreman Special edition Gold Plated Grill.
Well you can imagine my surprise when I received this…
( holds up grill, and then puts in mouth. Hip hop music plays, and Trixie dances.)
Beaches and Hoes, I’ll put a cap on your head… mother fluffer!
Oh dear, I seem to have come over all gangster.
Tonight my great, great, great Grandson is taking me to a rave, which is why I’ve got my best of gear on. He assures me I’ll be in ecstasy.
Mmm. I’ll let you know next week, how it went.
Now for the On the Spit Spoon In –
“Hello! David Dangler here. I’ve heard all about this Cock Twerking. My Grandson’s been ‘avin a go”
-Oooh, and how’s he doing?
“Well I’m feeling bewildered by the whole thing. Thank you.”
-Good luck, Mr Dangler. For those of you who didn’t see the video, here it is.
( plays again).
I wonder if Twerking Cocks will explode into our gyms. I’m sure ladies memberships would increase all over the country. Ladies, lets keep our eyes on those cocks.
This week I review the Feminist classic, Get your Tits Out by Delia Butch.
Delia is a great friend of mine, after we water sported together for a summer, in Florida.
She sadly disappeared, shortly after the writing of her novel. She was Miss Butchdyke 1992.
This is a picture of her. If anyone recognises her please let your local police know.
(pic of Delia)
Comedy; Facebook Blues, by Me, and I will keep saying how desperately funny it is.
Romance: Lady’s Fancy by Colonel Pickering. A truly moving tale of a man’s love for his horse.
Here are the answers to last weeks question: What is the perfect car to have fun frolics in?
Mrs Ann Lash, from Piddleton, Surrey thinks the Mini Cooper is the best, as she is only 3 feet 6 inches tall.
Mr A-Drain Slop, says that any Skoda fits the right requirements especially in the extreme wet.
A Ms. Charlene Poultry, from Lower Hole in Cornwall says, everyone has it wrong, and when it comes to good old thrusting and bruising, then Farm vehicles are the best. ( Trixie smiles)
I think I would have to agree with this myself, having once spent a night in a tractor, with an over enthusiastic Farm hand. I should have realized she knew how to handle her machinery.
Personally, I prefer a Bentley.
So this weeks question: Airbags. Can you tell if they are real, simply by touching them?
I have played with my good friend, Mag’s, and I couldn’t tell, even after I had rolled them round my mouth.
Answers to me at the usual address email@example.com, Twitter as trixie_bloom, Instagram and Facebook as trixiebloom.author.
Find out the latest, and subscribe to my newsletter at my website, trixiebloom.com
(Trixie dances with the grill in.)
Remember to love and laugh, we must all care for each other.
This weeks programme was sponsored by Fat girls Cup cakes.
Cakes you cant put down.
(music plays out)
All of Trixie’s videos can be found at Trixie Bloom’s YouTube channel
or at Trixie Bloom Comedy at iTunes
Trixie Bloom is the author of Facebook Blues, a high camp comedy with fifty shades of funny. http://amzn.to/2vhrruC
and, Trixercise – a parody on exercise and diet –
Find out the latest at http://trixiebloom.com