Trixie’s Tiny Taverna – Episode 1
Hello! and welcome to Trixie’s Tiny Taverna, where we discuss all topics without fear.
Last week saw many different fashion trends surface, and eyelashes have become big, I’m so happy to say, being a particular favourite of mine.
Finally the long awaited ban on Courgettes being sold to Minors, having been deemed too sexual a vegetable,
and Love last week mostly took place with myself, and I’m feeling a lot less tense now. In the world of exercise, Twerkacise is huge. I will be discussing this during the show today.
My first email is from a Miss Blousey Smith, from Freckleton, in Blackpool.
She writes, Dear Trixie, I am a vibrant, easily prone to depression, life loving woman with a slightly fuller figure. At a cuddly 26 stone, (that’s 165 in kilos,) I find it hard to pluck up the courage and venture out to meet a man for romance. There is too much loveliness of me, to miss out on the right man. At 50 years old i feel the clock is ticking.
Dear Blousey, I would say the clock is now definitely bonging, and as you say, it would have to be the right man. I have thought about your plight, and have come up with the perfect solution.
Purchase a Drone, online, then send your drone out to meet a fat mans drone, and a romance can ensue. A physical encounter would be far more challenging. I also would recommend you purchase my book, Trixercise, to shed some of those, er, Cuddles.
This next email from 6 year old Jenima, simply cuts through the dirt.
Jenima asks; Eyelashes, whats the perfect thickness?
I myself prefer a manageable 1 and a quarter ml thick, but i have been known to push it up to a 2 and a half ml, but girls, you must be ready for this thickness. Lash Bonding can easily occur. This is where the bottom and top lashes bond together, causing temporary blindness till someone frees you. Lash Knitting can also happen. This is where the lashes knit together, to form one giant Pyramid Lash.
(holds up drawn diagram).
Please remember these are only my recommendations, ladies have their own own level of comfort regarding thickness.
The next one is very touching, from a very unhappy Miss D. Munch, from Stevenage.
My Vagina muscles have gone very slack, what can I do ?
Well we’ve all been there, but it is unusual for a sixteen year old, as mentioned here, in your email. Young men are particularly prone to dangly testicles, if this is any comfort to you.
I would recommend exercise, particularly the Deep Thrusting Lift, which I feature, and demonstrate in My book – Trixercise, Loving Yourself Hurts.
Available on my website, and all good outlets.
Also placing an ice cube inside your lady purse once a day, and holding it gently till it melts will wake up those fatigued muscles.
Finally my last one, who simply gives his name as Mr Denzil Apre, asks;
Twerking, whats it all about?
I quite agree, just recently Twerkacise classes have exploded into the gyms, and I have been investigating the phenomenon.
Twerking was started originally, way back in the roaring 20’s, by a Jazz man called Lucky Puff. By pure coincidence he knocked over his drink, and in his efforts to try and catch the falling glass, thrust his buttoocks violently from side to side, and inadvertently started the dance craze that was to be taken up nearly a century later.
In Japan… Twerking has reached a whole new level. Cock Twerking is the latest craze, after a Mr M. Ping posted a blog claiming he had increased the size of his penis with Cock Twerking. Apparently the shaft was a full 2 mm longer, and the girth an impressive 3 inches wider.
We have tried to recreate Mr Ping’s video using a Merkin and a Carrot, due to licencing laws, and the forbodance of any penis dancing.
(video of cock twerking).
As I am a fantastic dancer, I am prepared to show you how to do it.
PHONE IN- On The Spot,
Trevor Hammond here, from Somerset. I want to ask, can you lose calories if you ejaculate multiple times a day?
A pertinent question, I assume you are referring to Men Mr Hammond?
(slow laugh) Ladies!
I’ll take that as a yes, and the answer is no, but you may get some wrist tightning, and that could thin your wrist.
I never said it was me… (he hangs up)
Well that was Mr Hammond, no doubt rushing to return to his favourite hobby.
Drama; Pacman Goes to Heaven by Lloyd Feelgood.
I found this tediously predictable.
Romance: 4 Girls in a Bath, by Beth Stench.
This I enjoyed immensely, so much so, I read it twice.
Comedy: Facebook Blues by Trixie Bloom.
Couldn’t put it down. Laughed ’till I finished writing it.
PROBING QUESTION, and this weeks probing question is;
I am actually wearing my Grandmothers Knickers right now, and I can assure you, that the gusset is far more robust than any of these flimsy modern types.
Well that’s all for this episode. Remember to Love and Laugh, we must all care for each other. Tune in next time.
Dry Balls Flaky Foot Care. For the discerning gentleman.
(music plays out)